My friends and my happiness...

It's so sad when you feel that you can't relate with your friends anymore...

Just a few months ago we were on the same page, still youngsters, still searching, still... lost? There are some characters that I used to relate to, and now I feel so far from them...

There's character number 1, the eternal romantic... always chatty, always smiling, always making friends and being the soul of the party... but also pessimistic, not believing in herself, not letting go... Her family is very important to her, but only 3 members of her family, and possibly other 4, really care about her... the others, even when they should love her so much, often make her feel worst... or have envy towards her, or simply don't understand her, love her or support her as she deserves; and yet, she is always there for them. She has a little job that doesn't reflect all she could do, and she says she had searched for a better job, but haven't had any luck... I think she hadn't searched enough, she doesn't believe she can get the job of her dreams, she doubts she is capable of, she got lost in the middle of her sadness... this sadness that doesn't let her advance... After so many years, after trusting the wrong man, after that man had chosen another life away from her even if he really loved her, and never explained anything, just went away... and she can't close the cycle, she can't let go... and no one dares to say that to her, afraid of losing her friendship... I want to help her, but I don't know how... because she doesn't want to be helped, she wants to 'enjoy her tears', as she said to me once... I want to help you, I don't want to hurt you, but I feel so distant from you... I know you are my best friend, but at the same time I don't want you to feel sad because you haven't found your love, your way and your happiness as I have... I know you are not like that, you don't mean to, you will be happy for me... but also wondering when is your turn...

Character number 2 is very intelligent, nice, a good leader, loves travelling, dogs, photography... she has a very loving family that supports her in everything, to make her feel good even when she is not doing the right thing... She got lost after receiving very hard news about her health... if I were her, I would have been so depressed, taken aback by that... I thought she had taken it so well, she looked/looks happy, relaxed, not working nor studying (at least not anything heavy as stress can make her health problems come back)... Right now her health is OK, and she could be enjoying life at most, doing everything and anything, all she always wanted... but is so comfortable to be a Nini... She got lost, she doesn't know her purpose anymore, she doesn't know what she wants to do, and she is searching, but by the wrong method: trying everything, one thing at a time, to see if she likes it or not, and at least "know what she doesn't want"... Recently she discovered that she is in fact depressed... not sad, but numb... And the fact that the only man she has loved is too busy with his professional accomplishments to be with her, and doesn't understand her struggle, made their relationship impossible... I thought she was over it, even she thought so, but the reality is other... And I don't know how to say all these things to her either, how to help her without her being upset with me... I drifted apart, I haven't even told her what I'm doing or where I am... I want you to find yourself again too, and not to be sad when you see me happy...

Character number 3 is not that close to me... She is also family oriented, works near home and doesn't want to break the umbilical cord... She has grown in her job, but her relationships with men are based on the physical, and she has not found love, she is always with the wrong man, she feels she doesn't deserve better. She loves to party, alcohol, smoking... She used to be my best friend long time ago, and she says that I'm her only true friend, but if I don't contact her, she doesn't contact me, and I had always felt she has some admiration for me, but mixed with envy, and tries to take advantage of me... I'm sure I can have an evil eye from this character... I was distanced from her for a while, then contacted her back... but I don't know if I want to be her friend... maybe acquaintances that see each other once in a while would be OK... She is more lost than the other characters... And I'm sorry for her grandma, she is such a nice person, I wish to stay in touch with her.

Character number 4 is older than the others, she was very close with my grandma, and I think she loves me as another child of her own, she has been there for me when I was depressed and lost, and sometimes I feel I take advantage of her by only seeing her when I need something... I want to keep in touch with her, but my grandma felt something bad about her, and my mom too, even if this character has helped us in so many ways....but if they felt something, there's a reason... Sometimes I think she feels some envy because I had accomplished so many things and her own daughter is so different... she wishes she had had a daughter like me... Does she want me to fail? And she believes in strange things that I don't, and I'm afraid of that... Can evil eye be there too? She is resentful because I haven't contacted her, and because my mom doesn't want to see her.... What can I do about her?

Character number 5 is my godmother, and character 4 doesn't know that because she would be so jealous. This characters knows me since I was born, and is truly good-hearted, but we are not that close, or talk to each other that much. I know she wishes me well, and I wish I was more close to her... She wanted to set me up with her nephew, but he is into politics and doesn't have a bachelor's degree... and I don't like that.

Characters 6 and 7 and character 1's best friends and my friends too, but they are in another page too, I had never felt fully understood or identified with them, even after so many years and experiences together... It's like I'm from another planet... They are good, they are not lost (that much), they know what they want... but they are in a different stage than me.

I felt I have grown, I feel that most friends of my age are still late teenagers and I'm becoming an adult, A YOUNG WOMAN... They are still GIRLS, lost or not-so-lost, but girls.

Character 1: Love is not suffering, love is not listening to songs while you cry, remember, regret and imagine; love is not melancholy, love is not giving everything or being the perfect girlfriend... Love is showing who you are so they want you to be their wife, so they see you are perfect for them, even with all your flaws. The one who loves does express it, either with actions, or with actions plus words. The one who doesn't express anything or does says it but doesn't back it up with actions, is because he doesn't really love you... Please let it go, please, God has your perfect match waiting for you, but you need to let this one go, the one who didn't choose you... You can be loved, you can have the perfect job, you can support the members of your family that support you and ignore the rest, or change your approach to them... Please help yourself, believe in God and in yourself, I want you to keep being my best friend, I want you to be happy, as happy as I am....

Character 2: Please enjoy your life now that you can, do all the things you want to do, before it's too late... I can help you to find your purpose, I just can lend you the tools that made me find mine... I was lost too, but I'm finding my way now... When you find yourself, everything else falls into place...even love, either with that person who might be still waiting for you... but just let go of him and see if you find him again when you least expect it, or maybe someone else... Please, before it's too late... I want to be able to relate with you again as best friends too...

Character 3: Find the way in doing the right things, you have the tools near you, just apply them. But I can't be your best friend anymore unless you give up the destructive behaviors, and even so I think I can only be your 'once a year friend'.

Character 4: I thank you for what you have done for me, I want to keep being friends with you and show you that I'm there for you even when I don't need anything from you, but I also need to keep a healthy distance and reservation... God knows why, and if I'm wrong, please forgive me. You have been important for me.

For all my friends: I'm sorry I shut down, I'm sorry I closed myself, I'm sorry I had to be 'offline' for this period of time, but I had to find myself... At first I might have done it for the wrong reasons, because I was afraid you would tell me 'I told you so' if I took the wrong decision, but now that I know that thanks God I made the right choice, I want to give you an apology and I want you all to be a part of my life and share my happiness with me. I've found myself again, I've found my love, and I have found my path... or at least I'm in the good path- search right now, and I just realized... I'm happy!!!!!! Yes, I'm happy!!! Thanks God for everything, please help me to help my friends and family to find themselves, their paths and purposes and be happy too, here and in heaven. And help us all to deserve it. Thank you. :D